Valentine’s Day is Saturday which means that businesses are doing everything they can to convince you you’re a horrible significant other if you don’t buy their product. There is some cringeworthy stuff in these commercials. First off, they always give you a dramatization of the “bad boyfriend”; this dweeby four-eyed goober who is panicking while he window-shops and checks his watch every two seconds fearing his wife isn’t going to return his testicles that she took at the beginning of their relationship. They always pick some beta-male guy to replicate the “bad boyfriend.” Personally, I think the beta-males would be much better boyfriends. They can remember a time when women were scarce; now that they have a lady they’ll do anything not to lose them. Beta-male boyfriends are like rescue dogs, they appreciate what they have because they spent so long without it.
Any who, after the “bad boyfriend” dramatization, the good boyfriend finally shows up. Thank goodness! The good boyfriend is always this hunky, macho, slab of abs, Fabio-prototype coming to the rescue with his perfect amazing Valentine’s Day gift, which the girl is immediately wet over because who wouldn’t want a 6 foot tall teddy bear?! That is an actual commercial for giant teddy bears that claims “It’s a great gift for her, that’s sure to pay off for you!” I can’t get over how awful this gift is; if I was a girl who received this I would have so many questions. Where the fuck are we going to keep this teddy bear? Should we keep it on the bed with us? Put it in the corner so it can watch us sleep? How much did you spend on this? Over $200? How dumb are you? You actually thought I was going to fuck you because you gave me an enormous teddy bear? I don’t know who I feel worse for: the girls who receive this from their boyfriends or the girls in the commercial who have to look aroused with this teddy bear. Probably the latter, because there were multiple takes of this. It wasn’t just one shot that they cuddled up for, they did this all day. And it’s not like Jennifer Aniston is in these, it’s girls who answered a Craigslist ad. These D-list actresses 15 years past their prime think this commercial is going to launch their career, they think they’re going to be the next Susan Lucci until the director yells “We need sexier, rub the teddy’s belly.”
It seems that you always have to get the perfect gift for Valentine’s Day. If you get dumped on Valentine’s Day because you didn’t get the perfect gift, you just dodged a bullet. That is a materialistic, self-obsessed being you are better off without. I always prefer trusting myself on these kind of things. Businesses try to create this mania so that they can profit off your insecurities. Spring for something homemade, a card, something you made with your hands. At least the thought and time was spent on something like that. Chocolates, roses, and god forbid a giant teddy bear are three clicks away on the internet. That’s about 30 seconds of thought required for those 3 things; don’t you feel special? 
